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Performance
For as many characters as I play throughout the day to appease and entertain so many different people I'm glad I can still recognize my honest moments as myself though they are few and far between.
You would think it just be easier to be myself all the time. They don't care who you are or what you want in life. They just want to use you as means to their ends. They don't care if you're detached and disinterested. You're going to smile and nod. You're going to laugh at their jokes. You're going to corroborate their opinions. You're going to playfully disagree with them for good measure. You're going to care about their feelings. You're going to be a nice polite hollow shell. Because that's exactly what they want. Someone to make them feel better about themselves.
Being social is exhausting. They don't know much of myself I'm actually giving them. Even with a tiny conversation. If they take too much there's nothing left for me. It leaves me feeling empty. Desolated. Burnt out. Tripped up.
If they take too much I can't give them more. I won't laugh at their jokes. I won't pay attention to what they're saying. I won't care. That's when they'll see me for who I really am. And they won't like what they find. They couldn't possibly handle someone who cares so little about the stupid shit they have to say and do.
When I was a kid I used to think people could read my mind. It always scared me thinking that they would see right through my inability to relate to them. Now that I'm older I know better. If they could read my mind, they would fucking run. Far, far away.
You would think it just be easier to be myself all the time. They don't care who you are or what you want in life. They just want to use you as means to their ends. They don't care if you're detached and disinterested. You're going to smile and nod. You're going to laugh at their jokes. You're going to corroborate their opinions. You're going to playfully disagree with them for good measure. You're going to care about their feelings. You're going to be a nice polite hollow shell. Because that's exactly what they want. Someone to make them feel better about themselves.
Being social is exhausting. They don't know much of myself I'm actually giving them. Even with a tiny conversation. If they take too much there's nothing left for me. It leaves me feeling empty. Desolated. Burnt out. Tripped up.
If they take too much I can't give them more. I won't laugh at their jokes. I won't pay attention to what they're saying. I won't care. That's when they'll see me for who I really am. And they won't like what they find. They couldn't possibly handle someone who cares so little about the stupid shit they have to say and do.
When I was a kid I used to think people could read my mind. It always scared me thinking that they would see right through my inability to relate to them. Now that I'm older I know better. If they could read my mind, they would fucking run. Far, far away.
